July 2010 was the first time I've seen my father since I was in the fourth grade. He was coming to visit his family in Columbus, and asked if he could drive to Cleveland to see me. I said yes, not really believing he would come. Like so many other promises broken throughout my twenty-six years of living, his words meant absolutely nothing. The day came, and my father called me to tell me he was on his way. I gave him directions and he expressed how he couldn't wait to see me. Enthused I said "me too" hoping he couldn't hear the fakeness seep through my lips. I cleaned and re cleaned my apartment about one hundred times, and picked out an outfit that I thought would look best. Believe it or not, I wandered if he would think I was beautiful. Of course all fathers think their little girl is the most prettiest girl around.However, This man was a stranger who I must refer to as my father. He was nothing more than a man I pass by in the street, not because I don't love him, but because we know nothing about each other.
Honestly, I don't know if I love him, I feel nothing for him...my heart has always had a place waiting for him..but it was never filled up to the brim. To explain it better I miss my father, I want my father in my life, but I don't really think he wants to be. I think he's given up and has moved on to the next daughter of his, for she is the "apple" of his eye. While I feel like a mistake, a mistake he had at eighteen when he married my mother right out of high school. My mother says they were married one year, had me the next and shortly after they divorced. She wont go into further details. My mom wont say it, but I think shes still hurt and not over it.
My father calls to say he's outside, and the my stomach is in knots. I haven't seen this man since I was nine years old. On the elevator I think of ways I should greet him. Do I hug him, wave or give him handshake?
Walking towards the parking lot I see my cousin Tony who I love dearly and beside him are two children and skinny tall boy with glasses and a girl with eyes so big I recognize them. My cousin waves and the children run towards me. Le'Andra! they yell smiling from ear to ear.They hug me but I'm not sure who they are, but the girls eyes revel all to me. My father comes out of a blue caravan. He's tall yet husky, and his skin has been kissed by the Georgia sun. He wears glasses and shows a gap when he smiles.His hair is full of silver and black curls, and his facial hair is cut medium low.
I recognize this man, He is my twin. Those eyes that I have I seen in my father, the same ones I see in the little girl.
-Le'Andra, this is your brother Christopher, and your sister Christina.
Christopher and Christina look to be around the ten and eight. They hold both his hands as I lead them to the doorway of my building. They have "regular" conversation with my father, they call him "Dad" while I simply address him as Jeff. They walk into my apartment and is amazed at how high they are. They look over the balcony and see the lake and call it the largest back yard swimming pool ever. I laugh at their innocence. The kids try to get my cat Breezy to come from underneath the bed while my father and I converse.
-Le'Andra, you've done really well for yourself.
-thank you.
I smile and look down. For some reason its hard to look him in the face. For he might see the scared little girl he abandoned come through. He continues.
-Le'Andra, you know Ive waited a really long time for this.
-What made you come to Ohio?
-To see the family, you know your uncle and aunts. I just wish Charmaine could have come along. While I was in Columbus I thought I could see you.
-Well I'm glad you came. It was nice to meet Christopher and Christina.
-Yes it was. You know, your brother is a sports fanatic, him and I battle over the Lakers and the Celtics all the time. At church they call him "little minister" because the church members see great things in his future. Christina, well your sister is going to be a ballet dancer, she is already preparing herself for Julliard. You should see her dance Le'Andra and she sings too.Christina is my rock, when I've had a bad day I can come home and your sister sits and listens to me and tells me "daddy everything is going to be okay." They truly are a blessing.
I was heartbroken. My father knew noting about my life, hes never been to any school concerts, plays,graduations,dances. My father has never given me the chance to be a blessing in his life. I found my self jealous of Christina, for she already had what I always wanted, and still long for. She told me about their family trips to the Caribbean, while I've never been out of the country. She tells me what she cooks for him, and how they go to Savannah every summer, she calls him daddy while I call him Jeff.
My father suggests I should join their family vacations to the islands when I get my money together. I smile slightly and said I'll think about it. My father is now ready to eat, so he takes us to Denny's. At the table their reminiscing and telling jokes. When lunch is over, we walk to the car and my father grabs my hand.. I feel nothing...there is no bond between him and I.
-Le'Andra I really enjoyed this day with you. we must do this again.
I smile and agree, we drive back to my apartment. they drop me off and head back down to Columbus. My father spent three hours with me that day. Three hours and I haven't seen him in sixteen years. How do yo think that made me feel? I came back to my apartment and cried. Once when I tried explaining to my father how I feel, he said I can't blame him for everything., that I had played a part in communication, and that my mother wouldn't allow him to see me. When I confronted my mother on this she told me that his mom use to call him and tell him to come see me. His mother had to tell him to go see his daughter. My father no longer wants to discuss the past with me. he told me to either take it from the present or not take it any further. I decided not to choose. It hurt me that I had to make a choice in the first place. in many ways my father is older than me by age, in many ways I'm older than him in maturity. No one in hell would ever keep me from seeing my child without me causing hell to exhaust all possibilities. But then again I'm Le'Andra and not Jeff.
I wish my father could see what I see. I wish my father would give me relationship advice, and interrogate my boyfriend. I wish my father take me on a date,just him and I and we could recall old memories. I wish I could spend holidays and him, or call him when my car has a flat. Maybe one day the stranger I call my father can be once called "dad". Until then I'll keep waiting on Jeff.
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