Briana McCarthy

 VENTING: I Wish I didn't care sometimes. I wish I could be emotionally detached as easily as others..but I'm not. I over think things and I cry easily. I like talking things out..I don't like going to bed mad.I hate being alone, I mean I like my space at times but I hate being alone, and I'm alone 99 percent of the time. Maybe Cleveland isn't for me anymore. Maybe I should just go back to Columbus but then I really wouldn't be happy. I'm in a relationship but I feel alone, and maybe its my fault I feel that way. Sometimes I feel as though no one would care if I was here or not. He doesn't get me. He doesn't trust me and that hurts. How can you survive without trust? Now I don't trust him. I feel caged, my apartment feels like a prison cell and I can't escape. I've cried more than I've laughed this year. I miss laughing truly. i hide my sadness behind my laughter. i feel lost, I don't know what my purpose is. I feel like he's not happy with me. I miss my grandma. Grandma is one of the reason I don't wanna move back to Columbus. I feel homeless, because I don't really fit in anywhere. I wish I was close to my family..they don't know me really. I wish I didn't care that the cousin I admired the most is now dating my first love.. and they have no regard for my feelings.(that's what hurts most) I wish he would spend more time with me, he has to work and I get it..I wish he was more affectionate,but I guess he wishes I was more aggressive...maybe hes cheating on me. I wish I could be a nurse and have a husband and kids and be comfortable, I wish I wasn't the only child..I hate being alone, I feel trapped inside my four walls.I wonder if my grandma remembers me...I wonder if her spirit ever comes around me. I wonder will I go to heaven. I feel lost. I hate that I'm too nice. I wish I could cook for him and make him happy. I wish he was in love with me like when we first met. i wish he would tell me he misses me. I  wish he could see how brilliant he is, I wish he could see how my heart aches for him, how i light up when he does call and when he does tell me he loves me...I wish he would tell me he loved me more. I wish I could love myself. I feel lost<3